Before my beloved and I built this new website, I blogged for years on topics related to helping people become the unique person God created them to be. I walked in a degree of spiritual maturity, had an understanding of who God created me to be, and an awareness of what He had called me to do.
All well and good. Until the path took a sudden turn in September 2016. Hit by a succession of health issues over the next couple of years, I was stripped to the bone. It was as if God wanted to shine a light on every pore and sinew. Sift every thought, feeling, and emotion, often through waves of physical pain.
As I emerged from that place of great darkness, I realized the life I’d lived before was a thing of the past. If I was to heal and discover the new path, I would need to trust God more than ever. Was I going to believe, in my heart of hearts, that He would restore my body, spirit, and soul, regardless of what that would look like?
Priorities changed. I knew I had to go beyond all the head knowledge I’d acquired over the years and allow myself to “walk the talk” in a new way. Truths I had espoused for so long took on much deeper meaning.
Truth #1: Life is finite, but the reality is most of us try to convince ourselves our expiration date is far on the horizon. The truth is the distance between that point and where you presently stand is contracting faster than you think.
It’s easy to fritter away an hour with activity that seems oh-so-important at the time. A meeting here, a meeting there, calendars filled with scribbles and the occasional smiley face, as if to convince ourselves it’s all important and necessary.
Yet the details of all that busyness are long forgotten, often mere days from now. Maybe that’s why we are left with an oddly distasteful sense we could have made different choices more in harmony with who we are, our desires, our hopes and dreams.
Truth #2: Notice our feelings and thoughts in any given moment. Most of us want to be authentic and real, but for a plethora of reasons we choose to hide behind attitudes and behaviors that provide little more than a false sense of peace.
Our greatest fear? If they know the real me, they won’t want anything to do with me. This is particularly true when it comes to anger, sadness, and fear, or feelings of hurt. Rather than press through them we try to push them aside or stuff them.
Truth #3: Embrace the mission God has given us to the best of our ability. Do we really want the Divine as co-pilot? I used to think that was a good idea. Not anymore. To surrender my will to God—put Him in the driver’s seat—can be downright scary. What will that mean? Suffering? Joy? Success? Failure?
Of all the truths the Lord has shown me through these trials, the one that may be the most healing and meaningful has turned out to be the most unexpected and humbling: It’s not the busyness, the feelings and emotions, or even the questions that are the problem; it’s my need to be in control and have answers that gets in the way of deeper intimacy with God and being who He has called me to be.
I assure you walking this new path continues to be a work in progress. I still have moments when my thoughts start to wander back to my previous life. Thankfully, those don’t last. Truth is . . . maybe, after all this time, I’m learning how to savor this one precious moment and leave ALL else to God.
Do I resist feeling my feelings and emotions? Why?
Have I experienced a descent into darkness?
Do I fear the questions, yet want the answers?
