Merriam-Webster defines honest as:

Genuine, real, humble, plain, respectable, good, worthy

Or, in yours truly language—take the risk. Be real.

There are lots of explanations for why we are reluctant to engage in this kind of behavior, however, one that is often at the top of the lists is “people pleaser.” A complex topic, so for the purpose of this post let’s use a common definition: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. [Merriam-Webster] Ouch and amen anyone?

For the record, I’m not suggesting that being a pleaser is always a bad thing. If we truly care about people, we need to put others first on many occasions. On the other hand, the problem with being a people pleaser in the context of unhealthy, unloving behavior is when our wherewithal to be honestly honest crumbles amid our emotional need to please others.

An important point—being reluctant to take a risk and be real in a given situation does not mean we are being dishonest the rest of time. In reality, more often than not, we are afraid something unpleasant will occur, especially if that’s been our previous experience.

Before we can be real and take risks we need to establish a foundation of TRUST. This takes time. If we’ve been wounded in a relationship and the issues have not been addressed, being honest is a challenge, if not impossible. We need to do our part to help create a safe environment where thoughts and feelings can be shared without fear of attack or condescension.

It’s not easy to be honestly honest, yet there are some choices we can make in light of the aforementioned definition:

  • GENUINE. To choose to be genuine is to bring the whole of yourself to a relationship. It’s not a matter of being right or wrong. It’s letting it be okay for you—and the other person—to describe and express any/all your feelings and thoughts as they unfold.
  • HUMBLE. People who are honestly honest have no need to pretend. They know their weaknesses and their strengths. They are quick to apologize and ask forgiveness and open to listening and accepting the other person “as is.” [For obvious reasons, this does not apply in situations where any kind of abuse is present.]
  • PLAIN. To be plain is to be unencumbered, forthright. To let go of the need to try and impress others by physical appearance, intellectual acumen, or psychological manipulation.
  • RESPECTABLE. The person who is respectable respects others, as well as themselves. They value and appreciate differences. They share perspectives with a focus on common ground.
  • GOOD. To be good is to behave as one who desires the best for others and self. Sometimes that “best” may include a dose of unpleasant medicine, however, it is shared with kindness and compassion. Honest people are good people who do not abide one-penmanship or demand to have the last word.
  • WORTHY. Honest people understand that true worthiness occurs solely by virtue of the gift of life they have been given through no effort of their own. Every person is created in the image and likeness of God.

When we choose to let go of our need to genuflect to people pleasing, mutual honesty opens wide the door to clear, heartfelt, and sincere communication.

Once we experience the blessings that come with being risk-takers who choose to be real rather than people pleasers entangled in unhealthy emotional needs, we discover a whole new meaning and depth to the relationships we have—not only with others, but with God, and ourselves.

Why is it hard to be honest and real in my relationships?

Am I afraid to allow my true self to be known by others?

What one choice can I make today to become a more honestly honest person?