Over the years I have listened as numerous people expressed their resistance to “think of themselves.” Concerned that to do so would make them selfish or self-centered, they determined not to fall into such behaviors.
However, what many of us may miss in our desire to be other-centered is even Jesus understood the basic principle contained within these words: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” [Mark 12:31]
The principle? If we hope to love others as Jesus did, we can only do so to the extent we love ourselves. So, what does that mean?
We begin with another question. How many times do you find yourself pointing the finger of judgment, criticism, or belittlement inward? For some of us, it is as if we believe the more attention we give to dissecting our personal weaknesses and imperfections, the better Christian we will become. And besides, we reason, why not take notice of our flaws before someone else hones in on them, for surely, they will.
Oftentimes these critical behaviors are more subtle than we realize. We are unhappy with the way we dress, we fault ourselves for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or wise enough. Believe me, there is a whole lot of “not enough” wrapped up in the process of pointing finger at self.
And yet, we persist. We fall into the trap of “if only”. If only I were good at A or B. If only I didn’t talk a certain way, walk a certain way, or think a certain way. At the very least the “if only” syndrome borders precariously on the slippery slope of comparison. Comparing self with anyone else is a long way from making the choice to love the unique person God has created each of us to be.
Here’s the challenge, as well as the point of balance. When we cast our desire to love others in the light of our love for self, we begin to incorporate the wisdom, insight, and compassion in our actions necessary for that love to be Christ-centered.
The truth is . . . if I don’t love myself enough to believe my weaknesses and faults are neither too big or nasty to either let go of or overcome, then how will I ever be able to love you, especially if you manifest similar perceived faults?
There is no doubt we need to be self-aware. We need to trust God and the Spirit to alert us to those moments when we may put self ahead of the interests and concerns of others. No one likes to be around people who only seem to think of themselves. [That is definitely a topic for another post.] On the other hand, when we learn how to align our choices, actions, and behaviors as best we can with the will of God, we will not only be better lovers of others, we will fully understand the old saying—you can’t give away what you don’t have.
Self-care is not a selfish concept when we see it as the foundation to allow God to help us care for our spirits, minds, and bodies in ways that equip us to be all that we can be. When this happens, we are then in a position to be truly other-centered. When we are at peace with self, we love with peace. When we are courageous, we love with courage. When we are patient and compassionate toward self, we extend the same mercy and grace to others.
Maybe the next time you or I find ourselves taking careful aim to turn that pointer finger at self, we ought to remember this bit of wisdom: “For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” [Ephesians 5:29-30]
Do I tend to criticize, judge, or belittle myself? Why?
How do I feel about healthy self-care?
Can I ask God to help me learn how to love myself without being selfish or self-centered?
