It’s not a news flash our world is one of noise, chaos, a plethora of spoken words, written commentaries, screamed epithets, and ominous murmurings. So. Much. Noise.
Noise isn’t always a bad thing. We need horns that blare to warn us emergency vehicles are in the area. And for sure, we like to join in the whoops and hollers at a sports event or the celebration of a big accomplishment.
The noise that concerns me is the loud, jack hammer stuff that seeks to obliterate anything the noise-maker perceives does not fully agree with their perspective. Don’t get me wrong. Personal perspective is a good thing. On the other hand, we need to remember ours is not the only one out there.
As difficult as it may be to be quiet and give our full attention to the other person, the challenge is one worthy of our attention. Why? Let’s begin with a definition:
Presence. The fact or condition of being present. [Merriam-Webster]
Distractions galore. My beloved and I usually sit at our breakfast table next to sliding glass doors that open to our deck. On a typical morning [regardless of the seasons] we can expect to see a variety of birds fly in and out to the feeders, squirrels of every size and color flit across the floor, and the occasional deer saunter through the yard. Try being fully present with all that commotion, lovely as it may be. In the same manner, various electronic devices at our fingertips can prove a more insidious and annoying distraction.
One way to minimize this challenge? Some conversations are light, the subject matter little more than a brief discussion about what are we doing for dinner. At the same time, some conversations involve serious, complicated topics. Both of us benefit from being fully present to one another when we can find a quiet place to listen.
Thoughts, thick and heavy. If physical distractions are one issue, our heads can be a garble of ideas, worries, and what’s-the-next task on our To Do list. All these mental gymnastics do is fuzz our focus on what the other person is trying to communicate.
One way to minimize this challenge? Make use of your senses, especially sight. While it is true some people have difficulty making eye contact for various reasons, to be vulnerable in this way can make the difference between being fully present, or simply showing up.
I’ve-Got-The-Answer Syndrome. This one is so obvious you’d think we’d recognize our complicity. We are so eager to offer what we think is helpful advice, we barely allow the other to speak at best, or interrupt and pontificate at worst. The insights we have to share may truly be appreciated, however, the other person will feel a lot more understood if we give them the opportunity to speak until they are finished.
One way to minimize this challenge? Take a deep breath and rest in the assurance you are not God’s gift of wisdom to the world. Yeah, I know how you feel. I typically have lots of answers ready to dispense, invited or not. Thankfully, I’ve had lots of practice learning the blessings of keeping my mouth shut. And when I don’t—well, I do my best to help restore the trust that is necessary to meaningful relationship.
Wiggle, wiggle, fidget and fuss. Of all the explanations for our inability to listen and be fully present, this may be the one we are least aware of. Whether an unconscious way to dispel energy or the darker emotions, the wigglers and fidgerters among us often have little idea their body movements can negatively impact the wherewithal to collect our thoughts. My beloved is one of those. I never realized a foot could move so fast and not actually be going somewhere.
One way to minimize this challenge? An occasional gentle reminder may be all it takes for the wiggler to rein in the active appendage.
A few simple changes in our behavior can make all the difference. Active listening really is just that—personally and with compassion, making the conscious choice to pay attention, to be fully present with whomever we are with.
Which of the described behaviors interfere with my ability to listen and be fully present?
What is one choice I could make to become a better listener?
How did Jesus model listening and being fully present to others?
